If I Understood You, Would I Have This Look on My Face?
My Adventures in the Art and Science of Relating and Communicating
Editorial Review
Drawing on improvisation training, theater, and storytelling techniques from a life of acting, and with insights from recent scientific studies, Alan Alda describes ways we can build empathy, nurture our innate mind-reading abilities, and improve the way we relate and talk with others. Exploring empathy-boosting games and exercises, If I Understood You is a funny, thought-provoking guide that can be used by all of us, in every aspect of our lives—with our friends, lovers, and families, with our doctors, in business settings, and beyond.
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Wisdom to Share
Relating is being so aware of the other person that you’re observing them. It’s letting everything about them affect you; not just their words, but also their tone of voice, their body language, even subtle things like where they’re standing in the room or how they occupy a chair.
In acting, relating is fundamental. You don’t say the next line simply because it’s the script. You say it because the other person has behaved in a way that makes you say it.
Being truly connected to the other person happens when we see them in a way that’s both emotional and rational, especially if we include listening with our eyes: looking for clues in the face, in gestures—in all the nonverbal signs of a state of mind.
Empathy gives us a sense of what’s going on in the heart, but we also need to be aware of what the head is up to—what the other person is thinking.
Our understanding of what’s going on in the other person’s mind is the result of several kinds of listening. We put together all the clues we can—facial expressions, tone of voice, body language, and any telling words they let drop.
The person who is communicating something is responsible for how well the other person follows him. If I’m trying to explain something and you don’t follow me, it’s not simply your job to catch up. It’s my job to slow down.
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